Holidays are hard for TCKs.
There is never a time when everyone we love is in one place.
There is never a place where all the traditions we hold dear can be celebrated.
No matter where we are or who we are with, there is something, someone, somewhere missing.
It is so easy to be sucked into self-pity during the holidays, as a TCK.
To believe that we are all alone in the world.
That we will never be truly at home.
That no one will ever understand.
So, here are a few practical tips during this holiday season, from one TCK to another.
These are not researched, or supported by scientific papers. These are just the things that have helped me as I learn what it means to be a healthy, happy adult TCK.
1. Let go of the need for “The Holidays” to be what they cannot be.
Our world and experiences are simply too vast to be encompassed in one day, one set of traditions, one celebration. So give Christmas or Thanksgiving or Hannukah or New Years or Kwanzaa a break. Let them be what they are: a day. A special day, set aside for celebration, yes. But not the only one. Not the most important one, necessarily. There will be other days, other years, other times, to celebrate other aspects of who we are. So let this one just be what it is. A day to celebrate wherever you are, whoever you are with.
2. Celebrate the Holidays at other times of year, too!
This year, my family celebrated Christmas in September, when my parents were in the States and my brother and sister-in-law could join us. We celebrated Christmas last week, when the staff of the Christian Camp we work at could get together for a special evening. We will celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve for breakfast with my Grandmother and her husband. We will celebrate Christmas on Christmas day with my husband’s family. And we will celebrate Christmas a few days after Christmas when we get to my brother’s house. Growing up, we celebrated Christmas all year long, whenever our “Christmas” boxes would arrive from the states – sometimes as late as July! Allowing there to be other times when we can fit in other traditions or people throughout the year takes some of the pressure off December 25th or another specific day.
3. Be intentional in your traditions.
All traditions started somewhere -- and you can pick and choose which you wish to have in your life! Do you hate turkey? Don't cook a turkey! Sometimes the process of intentionally choosing the traditions you would like to celebrate help to make the holidays really reflect who YOU are as a person or a family. You are multi-cultural, and it is alright for your holidays to reflect that!
My family's traditional Christmas dinner is Peking Duck .... because we like it, and it's a lot of fun to make together as a family. Also, it's rather a lot of work, so it really doesn't happen at other times of the year. It's our unique Christmas tradition.
This year, however, my family had Peking Duck when we "celebrated Christmas" together in September, so when we get together with my brother in a week, we are planning a "traditional Christmas dinner" -- just to do "something different"!
When I was a teenager we celebrated Christmas in Australia a couple time, due to political instability in our host country, or due to other travel reasons. So, we made gingerbread cookies using Australian shaped cookie cutters: we had gingerbread kangaroos. It was fun to adjust a tradition to reflect our international situation!
When I was young, my family lived on a boat for a couple of years. Obviously, a big, traditional Christmas tree was not going to work in that tiny, moving space. So we got a tiny (2 foot) tree with hot-glued on decorations, and hung it from our living area cealing. We hung our presents up beside it in a net.
Another year, we were in a little transitional apartment and did not have any decorations. So we got a little tree and decorated it with all of my brother's fishing tackle! Lures everywhere. It was great.
Often, my family did not do many gifts; instead we saved up and went and did something for Christmas. One year we went diving on the Great Barrier Reef! Usually we hung out on the beach and raced hermit crabs and got sunburned.
Christmas traditions come from all over the world, from many different times in history. Chances are, at least one of your beloved traditions did not originate in your passport country. So why not pick, choose, discard, add, and create your own set of traditions depending on where you are, who you are with, where you have lived, and what you feel like doing?! And hey -- if you find yourself back in your passport country during the holidays celebrating in traditional, non-international ways... why not enjoy that experience?
4. Don't be afraid to reminisce
Part of what makes the holidays so special is that they are supposed to be a season to stop and take note of what we have, and what we are thankful for. Sometimes this is very difficult for TCKs, because chances are that the things they were thankful for last year are no longer around -- they are in a different place, or those people have moved on, or they have moved, or there has been political turmoil and the country is no longer the same, or some other form of loss. But (as I have been and will be touching on in my series on Autobiographical Memory in TCKs), negative memories are part of our lives, and if we shut them out, we run the risk of shutting out the positive memories, too. Allowing ourselves to reminisce without fear, experience the emotions that come, and appreciate or accept all that our lives have encompassed, frees us to truly remember and enjoy the incredible opportunities that being a TCK has given us.
Finally, be intentional in your celebration. It is so easy to get caught up in all the the holidays include: extended family, quaint (perfect) setting, certain decorations, extravagant gifts, and whatever else you think of when you think of the holidays. But those trappings are just ways to celebrate what is really important: the birth of Jesus, gratitude for what we have, hope for the future, new life. When you begin to get lost in the stress of making the holidays perfect, or in the sadness of missing whoever, whatever, and wherever is missing for you right now -- remember where you are, what you have, and who you are with, and celebrate that.